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I can't believe I can finally admit to myself that he was an asshole and a waste of my time. I can admit to myself, he was a mistake and I am a stupid girl for ever wanting him back. No, I cannot say I regret anything that's happened. I feel like I can be with whoever I want without feeling chained up and unable to let myself go, and give myself to them without feeling like I will never be truly happy with them or anything! I'm slowly starting to be happy, no longer be so upset all the time and think it's never going to get any better. And even better, I'm finally crushing and loving it. I want it going slow, and I want it to work.
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I think I ruin things for myself, when I'm only trying to make sure it's real. I always do this to myself, I get myself hurt, and I ruin whatever could be good and real, and just make me happy for once. why? I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I don't know what to make of it.
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just say the word and I am yours, hold out your hand and I'll hold you closer. I'll open my eyes so I can see all the colors you're spinning free. As the sky catches fire, so does my heart but replaced with desire. You don't know what you do to me, all I can say is you set me, free. Lay me down right next to you, as we look beyond into the clear. I don't believe you can paralyze my fears, just because you are here. don't let me know we're nothing short of greatness my pulse is slowly speeding up, please don't let me give this up Don't ever think we're short of magnificent, I can't speak, speak. I can't, I can't. Breathe. I hate the moment when it gets too dark for us too see
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*I'm not sure where this came from, but I thought of one line and I made this and I like it. don't tell me, don't tell me, you're leaving you're leaving go, start up the car, start driving away. don't deal with things don't tell, don't tell me, don't tell. me. don't tell me, don't tell me, you're leaving you're leaving slam, slam down the gas. you're moving too fast. all, for you. never, for me. just leave, leave me alone. |
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please don't worry love, the sun is setting please don't lose sight and know what you're getting. don't worry love, the moon is rising. don't worry about anything, it's just a new song you're singing. don't worry about where you're going, just know that you're safe. you don't have to think, you just have to walk. you just have to breathe. you just have to love. ______________________________ I try not to worry, and sometimes to hold back the tears, but somethings keep me upset, worried, and terrified of what could happen. Don't let me get a taste of failure, of disaster, of everything I've ever wanted and ripping it at the seams. Don't play with me or toss me around, I'm fragile my dear. I won't mislead you, but I can't say I've never mistreated you. I broke myself and a gallon of trust, but how you can stay is something I can't answer, but what makes us so attached, so connected, like one whole person, is just something that happens once in your lifetime.
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Where's the warm weather? I miss walking around in the middle of the night when it's nice out. It doesn't feel like the end of the school year cause I'm not all excited about it. I've never felt so different in my life. I'm growing up way too fast and learning and crashing too hard. I hate how I'm constantly upset but still kind-of happy at the same time. Who is like that?! I just want to be happier, and a little more worry-free. I'm sick of worrying, stress, hatred, and so much more. All of this is killing my head and not letting me write the way I used to. I miss that so much. I wrote one good thing in the past month. But I don't even want to share it cause it's not even relevant and everyone will be all "Why do you think this about me?!" But it really has nothing to do with anyone, I was just reflecting back on past years and how pathetic I was. So it's basically like a little 6-7th grade hopeless crush girl anthem. "Love is something you've been through with someone."
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mmm.. May hasn't been too good of a month. Mainly because of my mistakes. And I feel like a bad person because I don't regret a single thing. And because I don't, I think that everyone else will get the idea that I wanted whatever happened, to happen, and I definitely didn't. But I just don't regret it because everything happens for a reason, and I believe that happened for whatever. To make one or more person(s) stronger or destroy something or whatever. But it really does kinda suck having everyone hate me and not trust me, so most days I act like I do regret. But I wrote a really good song a week ago, but I don't know if I want to put it up. I'm just not in the writing mood lately..
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...I feel so alone right now knowing so many people hate me. and thank you to all those people who keep reminding me everyday that I'm a fuck-up, and THANK YOU for also telling me you don't think Bob should ever have taken me back. I know. I hear it everyday. Now this summer might not be as amazing as I thought it would... story of my life: The Letdown by The White Tie Affair
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I've never realized how insecure I am. I'm so mean to myself and I can't help it. I'm bruised. I just don't like myself, and others hate it more than I do. Which I guess now makes people hate me in general. Yay. Way to help. That makes me get that feeling where you want to cry but you don't want to because it's stupid and you feel like everyone will know and make fun of you. I don't know, I just thought that I'd let that out?
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"no one falls in love by choice, it's by chance. no one stays in love by chance, it's by work. no one falls out of love by chance, it's by choice." I enjoy that quote. Lay down and close your eyes, lay there softly beneath the sky. (yay! first real entry in forever!)
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When you're too young to even speak, everyone loves you, and you intentionally love them back. When you're learning more after meeting that someone new, you take it too fast and mistake it for love. When you've been beaten and broken, you grab onto anything that could make you happy, thinking it is love. When you go out at night, looking for a chance to have fun, something comes back and devours your liveliness. But then when you think nothing could get worse you've made an impact on someone else. Someone else who could impact yours. When they see you walking down a hall or down, you may not notice it but you've brightened up their entire day. And when they go to bed at night, they're thinking of you, and want they should do. When they ask you to go somewhere, you don't even think about what should be so obvious. When it's been three months you don't realize how fast time is running but how it seems like that day never ended. When it's been more than some-odd years, yet being older has never felt so energizing. When you're older now and living with your love, you're now thinking back to what you mentioned so many years back, and how it really happened. degrassi episodes and that long talk last night makes me write.
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I want to reject those thoughts that bring me and everyone else down. The thoughts that get to me, forcing me to think that it'll never happen, never work. Failure scares us out of our minds, but so does saying three little words. Three little words that altogether are only eight letters. But they hold such a deeper meaning than what you see, or maybe hear. What way do you mean it, or do you even mean it at all. I don't want rejection, I just want affection. I want to be known, I want to be noticed. Maybe I just want to be wanted because I don't know how that feels. I know how I feel, and how quickly I am falling. But am I caught for sure? Also, I'd like to mention that I am in love with death cab's new song :)
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I am so happy, and scared. but I love it. I can't even write, I need too. I feel so.. unexpressive. BUT game one of the Indians vs. Red Sox series is TOMORROW. ohhhh shiitttttt. I wish I could go :/ But, and this is a strong but. BUT I might be going to Colorado for the rockies vs Indians game(s)!!! ahhhhhh!
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...I hate my dad. I hate him so much. I really need to party next weekend, let's get that planned out. And I hate how these past .. I don't know, maybe 5 days, I've seriously just wanted to smoke. UGH. I'll probably cry tonight.
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I don't even know, this week started off not so great, and got worse. But today, I just can't even explain it. :) I just can't, but it's good. I wish I could write a "poem" right now.
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they have on here. The questions are so stupid and aren't ever anything really deep. And if it's anything near deep, it something about politics or whatever. Stupid I had a decent day, nothing bad happened at all, but now I'm just, ugh. But I have not a clue, I haven't even been able to write anything I'm so.. I don't know the word for it.
I'm sorry, but I'm sick of it. You know how he is, expect it.
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What a ride, this year is pure bliss. I think about the choices I made, and what I could of missed. As I'm laying watching the clouds flow past, I can't help but notice how These butterflies make my heart feel strained. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just a consistant feeling that empowers and overpowers my thoughts and actions. The way I think is out of sync, and my confidence has grown. I've been wondering what would happen if I never met you, would I still be like this? Or would I be upset and crying in bed? I don't even want to know how I'd be, or if I'd still be doing something so destructive. ...yeah, can't think of an ending. Watching the Indians game lol
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Hahaha, today was so fun. I love love love love Liz and Elena. We're some pretty hardcore kids, yaknow? Anyhow. I came in here to write about something, but I can't even remember what it was. Anyhow, times two! I'm watching the Hills, and I HATE Spencer. He's so cocky and arrogant. Whatta cockblow. And I love how many times I've also been asked how me and Bob are doing. This planned? AND that baseball game was pretty funny, and walking around the school and being "lifeguards" is great :)
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